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People might perceive me to be a total stuck up B*^#? who thinks she is better than everyone else, but what people fail to realize is that there is more to me that meets the eye. So now it's time for y'all to hear about my dirty laundry. Like Kendra Russell said in her testimony for Testimony Tuesday, "I am so glad that I TRULY know Jesus Christ because now I can unapologetically share my testimony without guilt or condemnation..."  It's actually true though. Before I actually knew Christ, I was so worried about hiding my skeletons; but I am proud of my past because it made me who I am now! So I'm going to finally go RAW with you guys! (No pun intended). Hope you're ready ..... 
I am an only child who was raised in a Christian family, who has a pastor's daughter as a mother. Growing up, I didn't fully understand the terms of knowing God, I just thought you had to know this book called the Bible from front to back, and to be honest, for me it was so boring to read. I just didn't understand Christianity in general, I just knew it was a religion with many commandments and God didn't like for us to sin. As I got older I gained more knowledge, but to "know God" wasn't my priority because I just wanted to live life - but the wrong way I guess.
I started to search for love and security within men, such as having sex with my boyfriend at the time because that's what I thought love meant. I really felt like being intimate was something I had to do in my relationships, letting a guy have me so he wouldn't leave. Yeah i know what you're thinking, "she actually fell for that mess?" I sure did, and believe it or not, there are other lost souls out there who really believe, "if you can't please them sexually, they can find some other woman or man who can." This is where I knew I was living wrong and I just had to change my ways. I began dating this guy and now that I look back on it, this man had nothing going on in his life but was only focused on getting fast money. And for some odd reason I was interested. He knew what to do to get me though, knew what to say to get back into my life every time we broke up.
On my birthday last year he came over to my place to give me a gift. But it wasn't a Chanel bag or a watch.. He gave me "Birthday Sex." And after that night I just knew something was wrong. But I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was.  A few weeks later I began to feel ill. I was always weak, nauseous, irritated and sensitive to all types of smell. I reached out to a close guy friend and told him what was happening to me and he straight up asked "Are you pregnant?" "NO WAY!" I replied. There's just no way I can be I thought. But when I started to meditate on it, I realized that I missed my monthly friend. There was only one person that could be the father and of course it was the guy I was dating at the time so I called him. But his response left me speechless. "What that gott to do with me?".......... Oh no he didn't! I Lord knows how much I wanted to reach through the phone and choke him to death but when he realized I wasn't pleased with his reaction he checked himself and told me to take a pregnancy test. That day I left work early to go buy a test, got and took both. Yup, I took two just to make sure and both of them said PREGNANT....
I was numb, I didn't even know what my next step was going to be so I called him to tell him the news. And of course his response was "send me a picture."  instead I FaceTimed him and showed him proof. But it gets worse. He started making plans on sending me money to go to the clinic and get an abortion. The nerve of this jerk! But I agreed, because the way he acting was nothing like a father and I would never want my child to call him daddy. On July 4, 2014 I had an abortion, went with one of my best friends because my "baby's father" was unavailable. After all of that, I decided to move back home with my mom to have more discipline in my life and anyone who's Haitian knows that an island mom is the definition of discipline.
Looking back on my past, I knew where I could finally find myself and that was with my Lord. After searching for real love and security in so many men, I still felt alone. No matter what type of guy it was, they all failed me! My Lord wanted my attention for the longest and once I was so broken from the life I was living, all I could do was cry out His name. I needed help and He came and rescued me. He showed me the meaning of true love, security, loyalty, and pure joy. What makes me stay consistent to Him now, is reminding myself on how I felt when I was separated from Him; Pure darkness and I don't ever want to go back. So I decided to practice celibacy and wait for my husband who will be equally yoked to me. I call it living the sober life, simply because I finally feel clean without any worries. And neither do I feel bad for myself, I had to go through those trials to know that I had no choice but God. He saved my life and so I trust my life in His hands.