I was a virgin in both middle and high school so sex was something I didn't know too much about. The only knowledge I had was what my parents taught me, which was "No sex until marriage because my [private part] belonged to Jesus (my mom is too cute). And the Haitian church I went to didn't make it any better either; Have Sex And You Will Rot In Hell! So I was pretty much scared straight from the thought of letting boys touch me. I was so innocent, even a kiss felt like such a sin in high school for me. At the tender age of 21, I lost my virginity to a man I was engaged to, and I guess the only reason why I ended up doing it was because our plans were to spend the rest of our lives together. So in my head, my first thought was "What Do I Have To Lose?" I guess I should of thought that through some more because I ended up dumping the kid a few months later and regretted every moment of it because it hurt like hell! It was terrible and I never wanted to have sex again (it was that bad)
But after my break up with my then fiancé (that I wasn't sad about at all by the way), I immediately began dating someone else and ended up being intimate with him too, except for this time I actually liked it. This guy was way more mature then my first, more experienced and just knew what to do; and honestly, with him it felt like my first time. He felt like my first time boyfriend, my first time love and my first time best friend. And I guess I only felt that way because he was that guy that opened my eyes to a world my parents raised me to stay away from. I was introduced to things like the street life, drugs, strip clubs and of course pornography. I remember him telling me that watching porn together would make him love me more, and now that I look back at that situation, I shake my head of how dumb I was to fall for such a stupid line. But I was young and extremely naive so of course I did everything I thought would get me to be loved by guys. After a while, it began to become a must to watch before being intimate and it went so far as to me needing it more than he did. But as you all may already know, all bad things must come to an end so of course we ended up breaking up. But it wasn't until after our separation that I began to realize that just maybe I was an addict to the internet. I couldn't sleep without it, watched it while I was at work and school and it was always on my mind. After a while I began to question what was happening to me and I asked myself "If you're not addicted like you think you're not, why can't you stop?"
In this blog post I want to bring light to something that so many people, christians, believers, outsiders and even "church goers" have dealt or is still dealing with through all walks of life. How do you know you're an addict? What cause such desire for your mind to be so stimulated by watching another individual be intimate with someone else? How can addiction ruin your social life?
I look back and I think to myself, its crazy how watching someone else being intimate can really stimulate and arouse you; people you never met, don't know or can care less about. Being a porn addict was something it took so long for me to overcome. I wanted my mind stimulated, I craved the feeling of being satisfied and I wanted to feel good. But as I'm looking at where I am now in life, I realize that the reason why people become addicts to things and substances is all because of a feeling they want to feel and are willing to do anything to get to that place.
If you're currently dealing with any kind of addiction, don't think you're alone because you're not. More than 10 million people suffer from an addiction of some sort. Being an addict can become lonely, because addicts start to isolate themselves especially when others start to notice a change in their behavior. Below, watch as these people define what they think addiction is, what they think makes you an addict, what they themselves are or once were addicted to, and how to overcome an addiction
You see, being an addict to porn came with so much baggage and long term suffering that ruined so many relationships that I was in. It took so many years, self reflect, honesty and self evaluation to really dig deep down inside and find a solution to my problem. I had to make a decision on who I wanted to be, what I wanted to focus on and how I would go about it. No one wants to be an addict; NO ONE! But you can't just wake one day and say "I'm no longer an addict." You honestly have to make a choice not to be one anymore because what really makes an addict fall are the urges that they get and the struggle to fight against it. You will always have the urge to want to do the same thing over and over that you have always done, but its how you go about fighting it that matters. One thing that worked for me was finding a hobby and praying. I really got into writing and it helped keep my mind from wanting to be stimulated by sexual things. Instead, my mind was now being stimulated in other ways like writing, or going to dance class or just hanging with friends. The urges were still there for years but I fought everyday to starve them. Addiction, no matter what it is, are so hard to break free from. But freedom all begins with a choice; a choice to want to be free.
So be honest with yourself, Are you addicted to anything? It all starts with admitting that you have a problem. Now take some time to figure out where and when your urges pop up at the most and find ways to either stay away or other alternatives for what you're use to doing. For example, my urges frequently came late nights while on my laptop or on my phone. So I started to give myself a curfew to when I can be on any of those devices. After 11pm or if I was in bed, I slowly but surely started putting down my phone and laptop and picking up my Bible instead or a pen and paper. In the beginning I failed so many times! The Bible was boring to me and I had nothing to write about, but my urge to change started to become stronger than my urge to stay the same. I wanted freedom so I fought to read and fought to write and say yes to dinner dates and hang outs. The harder I fought, the more I began to realize a change. Of course the urge to want to watch it was there, but other things began to interest me more, so I stayed consistent with keeping myself occupied. It was one of the hardest things I've had to overcome and sometimes I regret ever becoming an addict, but I'm just so glad that God was by my side directing and guiding me to make the best decision ever; FREEDOM
Are you addicted to anything? Have you suffered from an addiction that is hard for you to break free from? Are you feeling lonely because of your addiction? Lets talk, help is here for you.
AMERICAN ADDICTION CENTER